Online Adult Dating

Modern Online Dating

When the folks called about a revision to my original Dating article, now several years old, I originally thought that not all that much had changed about dating: Dating, after all, is still about two people who are interested in one another and want to get together at a specific time and place. It's not like we're talking rocket science here. Since the original fix-up - you know, the one between Adam and Eve (who had the advantage of the ultimate Matchmaker) - dating has evolved. With the familiar United States version less than 100 years old, the guy is often (but not always) the one who asks and pays, and couples still face the tension of possible sex at the end of the evening. However, after some reflection about the dating scene I concluded that the last six or seven years have indeed significantly altered the dating landscape, and anything that alters that landscape is certainly going to alter dating behavior.
In this chapter, I detail those changes precisely. In addition to key points to remember about modern dating, you can learn how to keep track of what's going on in a dating notebook. I promise no pop quizzes, but you'll be amazed at how much you can learn about yourself and the process.

The Changing internet Dating World

Believe it or not, the changes that society, sexuality, entertainment, and technology have engendered in the dating scene can be distilled into a single concept: the need for speed!
Speed bumps
Admittedly, human beings, when it comes to love, have always been impatient - even though Diana Ross, or at least her momma, said, "You can't hurry love, you just have to wait!" People are under more pressures now to race dating at the speed of light when instead they should be taking very small baby steps, exercising due diligence, and noticing in minute detail what's going on. I know that the temptation is to close your eyes and just go for it. Falling makes it seem much more fun, scary, exciting, and fast, but it's not very productive if you're looking for more than just cheap thrills.
I sort of invented speed dating, accidentally, when I first had a TV show in 2000. Speed dating, as it has evolved, usually gives participants six or seven minutes with each potential date, but I gave them three minutes to convince somebody to go out with them, though I was there to offer encouragement or redirect the Burger King philosophy of life: Quick, hot, juicy, and your way work in some places, just not in dating! The need for speed is triggered by two equal and opposite tendencies: Ironically, couples are marrying earlier (obvious sexual urgency) and later (increasing fertility concerns), with women feeling that if they wait any longer they won't have the option of raising children of their own.

Changing definitions of Marriage Dating: When and why

Dating has changed, marriage is changing, gender roles are changing. There are now more single people living by themselves than ever before in the history of the world. This tendency, coupled with the reality that life expectancy has nearly doubled in the last century, means that individuals are concluding that they can hold off on marriage or not marry at all, options that mean that dating doesn't necessarily point in the direction of settling down as it once did and settling down could mean spending many decades with one person if they marry early, prompting them to proceed cautiously.
Statistically, more people are marrying and remarrying than ever before: Concerns about fertility are balanced by women deciding that they can have children without the benefit of a partner, another factor that has radically altered the dating landscape. Some people who are raising children are dating but have never married and don't intend to (see Appendix A for info about dating if you're a single parent). If all this makes your head spin, you are not alone.

Fantasies and realities

In addition to the census, demographic data, and the changing realities, television shows in the 21st century have significantly changed the dating landscape since popular notions perpetuated by the media, while originally fantasy, have a strange habit of morphing into our shared reality. Dating shows have always been a part of the TV landscape, but the bar has been raised, or lowered, depending on how you look at it. In addition to the traditional plethora of inane dating shows, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?, Who Wants to Marry My Dad?, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and My Big, Fat, Ugly Fiance have not only made dating a blood sport but convinced the viewing public that hot tubs and serial necking in front of a TV camera are normal aspects of dating. Rules about no kissing on the first date and no sex until the third date seem laughably out of fashion if you watch television. Dating as a competitive sport - complete with body contact and backbiting - has cheapened, degraded, and sexualized dating as well as increased hostility in ways we're not even completely aware of.
Okay, so most of us probably look at television dating shows and say, "That's ridiculous!" We know that a lot of editing and prompting goes on. But we are all influenced, subtly and not so subtly, by these shows in how we date, how we view the opposite sex, our own behavior, and what's acceptable and what's not. Reality TV has made competition, mean spiritedness, and just plain nastiness part of the social landscape between men and women, making the war between the sexes appear as a bombed-out landscape with few survivors and multiple casualties.
Adding to the general confusion is the fact that so many television shows suggest that being gay is not only acceptable but hip and nearly ubiquitous, which has certainly increased the potential for at least considering yourself bisexual, or even more terrifying, having your partner consider him or herself bisexual. Thus dating has become a question of will or won't your date come out of the closet after you get to know each other. Interestingly enough, the statistics on the percentage of the population reported and reporting as gay is unchanged since Alfred Kinsey's studies 60 years ago. Thirty years ago, TV would have you believe no one was gay; today TV would allow you to assume everybody is gay.
Modern technology has had an impact on all aspects of our lives, including dating.

Internet Dating

Instant coffee, fast food, and instant gratification have been a part of the social landscape for years, but instant messaging, constant access through cell phones, caller ID, and the Internet have made it all too easy to act impulsively and regret at leisure. Moving at the speed of light is sexy for sound waves but scary for human relationships, especially when it comes to dating.

Online dating

Even when Internet dating was in its infancy, I understood the advantage and disadvantages of the computer as cupid - in a word, dramatically increasing the pool of potential dates, as well as offering options, which is never a bad thing. It gives people an opportunity to "meet" people from different social circles, creating the delightful sense that somebody wonderful is just around the corner (as long as one is able to resist endless corner peering). Then as now, it's important to online date for a minimum amount of time before going in-life. My basic rule of thumb is that you should have no more than a couple of e-mail chats and phone calls over a couple of weeks before you meet somebody face to face.
The last time I checked, literally millions of people are online dating. On a more personal level, I know 12 couples who met online (not all of whom have admitted to having allowed a computer to match make).
Here's the good news and bad news about online dating:
- The good news about online dating is that it does increase the number of possibilities and can be morale boosting to see how many people are around and available, plus it gives you an opportunity to shop.
- The bad news is that it can be impersonal, time consuming, and addictive, with a large dollop of fantasy, and there's a tendency to shop. People tend not to be incredibly honest about who they are, what they're looking for, their weight, age, marital history, their past, their sex, whether they're straight or gay, because it is fantasy.
Married people have been known to pretend that they were single; gays, straight; older people, young; young people, older. But if nothing else, it'll give you the sense that there are people out there.

Instant messaging for dating

Instant messaging has become part of the Internet scene, enabling you to get in touch with somebody immediately and talk in real time to them in a completely artificial while seemingly urgent way. Instant messaging discourages self-censoring, voice clues, or reality-based feedback loop. If you're angry with one another (or even if you're not), you may end up typing something that you might not have said if you had a little longer to think it through. Although you do get an instant response, it's not the same as a conversation, so things like tone, sense of humor, and irony really do get lost in typing. No matter how you cut it, communicating through the Internet really is simply typing.

Dating Chat rooms

Chat rooms are another part of the fantasy world of the Internet. They've been known to be very disruptive to relationships even when they're not suggestive or pornographic, and when they are, Nelly bar the door! And for those of you who view Internet porn as harmless or private, beware! Because Internet porn is so instantly available (it doesn't even come in a wrapper anymore), it's right there in front of your keyboard. Women tend to be grievously offended by it, and men tend to think, what's the big deal? If Internet porn is part of your life and you're dating, you need to think through what you're really doing here, what your intent is, and what happens if you get caught. Remember that very few things are private anymore.

Cell phones

To say cell phones have become ubiquitous doesn't begin to explain how common they are. My daughter visited Thailand and was astonished to discover that in a country where the average income is $700, everybody had a cell phone!
With regard to dating, the first thing that you should know about a cell phone is that unless you're late for a date or lost and trying to get in touch with your date by cell phone, turn it off! A date is not the time to show how popular you are by letting your date know how many people call you. That's why voice mail was invented. The worst-case scenario I've ever seen was a couple walking down the street and holding hands, while both of them were talking on their cell phones, so you know they weren't talking to each other. This kind of behavior really makes no sense. Cell phone addiction is evidence of that need for speed and urgency thing, always having to be in touch and feeling like you might be missing something if you're not connected. I actually once did a story about countries where a person having sex is more likely to answer his or her cell phone. If this is you, stop! Get up from the couch, go look in the mirror, and ask yourself, "What are my priorities? When did I become so addicted to being that in touch?"
Another problem with cell phones is that everything on your cell phone bill is going to be listed by phone number. Anybody opening your cell phone bill is going to know exactly who you've been taking too, what time of day, and for how long. Star 69 and caller ID have also made both stalking and cheating something that you really can't do with much success anymore. If you're dating more than one person and being less than candid with either, chances are you'll be busted by your trusty cell bill.
Use the disposability and portability of cells to your advantage by only giving out your cell number until you've had a number of face-to-face dates and then only if you feel really secure.

Money matters

The days of men expecting or being expected to pay for everything have come and gone. It makes a women look modern, generous, and interested to at least offer and be willing to pick up the check, especially if she's making a decent living. Even if not, offer to do what you can even if it's a picnic in the park! Guys, offering to split the check makes you look cheap - I know she looks generous, but you'll be labeled chintzy. Times are changing - but not overnight.

Sex dating

Ah sex, the fundamental things apply, except that we're not quite so basic anymore when you add in earlier puberty, longer lives, sexually transmitted diseases, birth control, hooking up, women being more sexually aggressive and assertive, drugs, and rock and roll. Relax, go at your own pace, always use protection, and remind yourself to be respectful of your partner and yourself since both of you are susceptible to - but not controlled by - hormones.
When in doubt, wait! Choice is complicating but eventually empowering!

Safety dating

I've mentioned this so many times before, but be reasonable and cautious. Dating should be fun - not a walk on the wild side - so make sure you meet a stranger in a public place, make sure someone knows where you are, and use your cell phone initially - don't give your home address or business phone number or address until you know each other really well. Wait to have sex until you feel safe enough to give out a home number. Use protection and floss after meals.

Meeting Dating Scene

Dating is the Wimbledon of social intercourse, so you'll be happiest and most successful if you practice, correct mistakes as you go along, and don't expect to make the finals the first time out. This should be fun and interesting. If it feels grueling, unpleasant, or exhausting, take a breath and a break and kick back for a while. You're fine by yourself!

Keeping a Dating Notebook

Throughout this book, I include exercises you can do to find out more about yourself and what you want, as well as suggestions for noting your feelings and impressions. Treat this as both an opportunity and a project to find out more about yourself.
Buy yourself a spiral notebook and a pen and write down specifics. (Be sure to write in ink because it's useful to go back and see what you were saying as opposed to erasing it, if you didn't like it, because your musings can be a work in progress, a reflection of who you were and who you're becoming.) Instead of writing in this text (I still haven't recovered from the fact that my second grade teacher would never let me so much as underline in my book), I want you to provide your own notebook, but keep it with Dating For Dummies, but make sure no one else can casually pick it up and be privy to thoughts you might want to keep a bit more private. When you write something down, include information that will help you remember who you were at the time of notation, your feelings, your job, your wishes and dreams as well as the date, the time of day, who you were dating at the time, how old you were, and where you were living. This info can really be an ongoing log (sort of like Captain Kirk StarDate log as if your dating is entering a strange, new world, encountering exotic new species!). (In spite of my teacher, if you bought this book, underline as you see fit unless you checked Dating For Dummies out of the library. Hey, splurge and buy your own copy and keep it around for reference.)